Then and Now

I am not going to reach out to him and he won’t reach out to me so we can just stay were we are. Just like what we’ve been doing for the last year. On and off about every month. At least he is consistent in disappointing me my heart aches with uncertainty.   ……

We are Done

Em lifted her eyes while hunched over her Tupperware full of fried rice and salmon. We were having our daily catch up, and I rattled on about running into him. Her big eyes had an urgency, and her voice was firm when she said, “we are done with him.” She said it with so much…

Finding Control

I did something weak today Well, multiple things… I read some old conversations, daydreamed about you, drew a heart on my notes, and I know its because I am already hurting and a little drunk. You’re my largest stressor and most effective source of ease, so when other parts of my world tear me down…

Class

She comes into class with rain pellets still running down her boots and her hair bun flopping with each move. She throws down her backpack in its normal seat. “How are ya doing?” Haley utters nonchalantly while typing an English paper. “Eh, I just saw him, so I’ve been better,” she slides into the swivel…

Who are you?

Who are you? This man that I’ve let captivate my thoughts, A frat boy who played me like a drinking game, This human being who is the base of so many stories and memories, Who are you to make me feel this way?   And who am I to let myself feel this attached? to…

Breath

Some people need to actively tell themselves to take big breaths to calm down to center themselves. My breaths come naturally when I walk out into the cold air, when I’ve taken on too much, when I need confidence, or when I think of him.   My breaths come paired with discomfort, stress, or pain….

New Doodles

The little hearts that fill my notebooks have turned into leaves and flowers, branches and trees, and plush bushes that wrap around the formulas and vocabulary. I tell myself that I need to stop thinking about him.   Each heart used to represent a memory, a daydream, or an emotion. The way he made me…

Thursdays

Last night was a Thursday. The first one in months that he didn’t ask me over. He didn’t contact me at all because last week I showed weakness. I shared true emotion then apologized the next morning.   I’m not genuine when I’m around him. I can’t control myself like I control everything else. My…

When Im a Drunk Asshole…

Ohhh boy. The things I said to you the first time I was the one drunk… were harsh, but I don’t feel bad. I don’t blame myself for the silence because obviously these things were bottled up. My inebriated self knew that I needed to push you away. She knew that I couldn’t hold on…

Best By

I’ve been waiting for your next mistake and here it comes, punctually. I regrettably believe we will get back together before you leave, but who knows where I’ll be this summer, maybe near you. After that, I will be the one leaving. You won’t hold the power anymore, and I’ll be the one telling you…

Next Time

Next time I see you I will probably do something stupid. It doesn’t matter what hallways I take or parties I go to because I get the feeling that fate will find us staring into each other’s eyes again before you leave. Ideally, I will be casual and just say hello and ask how you’ve…

Originally posted on Mon écriture:
I’m trying to understand this new dynamic between us. It’s not as simple as ” You either want me or you don’t.” I know that. I hate that. Keeping you in my life might kill me. Letting you go will.